Narcissism 101

Nice Guys and Arseholes (the break up) part 2

So where was I? Oh right... catching up with Blah 2! Waiting for the inevitable, whilst trying to plan out the best way to handle it. So how did the ‘experiment’ go? Well spoiler alert, she broke up with me, but I at least owe you the conclusion to my story.

I woke up this morning dreading what was to come, over and over I look through my first blog trying to sum up the courage just to go there and face the music. It became so much more real as the hours crept closer, I could no longer hide behind the harsh exterior that I created within my first part of this story, that wasn’t me... I am not an arsehole. There would be no flowers, no CD, no war to fight, just the reality that was about to happen.

I jump on the bus heading into the city, we are not meeting for at least 30 minutes, and I guess due to my time in the army I was always a punctual person, never allowing myself to be late. It was lucky since the traffic going in was horrendous.

Arriving in the city I try to get my bearings, I have been here so many times, but for reasons be I wasn’t thinking clearly. Where was I looking for again? Where am I going? I was not in the mood for welcoming distractions, I had a place to be and something to take care of and I needed to think straight.

After getting to the coffee shop I waited patiently. When your mind has time to wonder, especially in situations like these, it’s probably best to keep it on a short leash. I started to second guess my actions, I didn’t want her to break up with me, but I don’t want her to be unhappy. As I waited there pondering, with a distant stare on my face, I noticed something interesting out of the corner of my eye. A man was acting slightly eccentric talking to people on the street. To most passes by it seemed like just another crazed homeless man, then I noticed he was being filmed by a man hiding a camera.

As the thoughts which were plaguing my mind slowly became distant, I then noticed more, another camera man, and two people sitting awfully close, but acting so oblivious. What the hell was going on? One of the two sitting close got up and started talking with the man like they knew each other, I walked over to the last person on the seat and ask, “What is going on here?” The girl promptly looked up at me and smiled and said “its April fool’s day and we’re working on some live skits for the internet”.

An overwhelming smile came across my face as I looked at her and said, “Want to film something amazing?” Looking at me with hesitance in her eyes but she humoured me by asking what? I told her my girlfriend was on her way here to break up with me. What a good exclusive I thought it would be.

Within seconds the plan was schemed inside my head, I was back in the mind set of this being at war and I needed to win. At my best I can be quite creative so it serves me well in moments like these when I need it best. Who am I kidding! How often am I in moments like this one? So all the actors and camera men came in, I gave them the quick scoop on what was going to happen. The young man with the video camera looked at me and said how do you know this is happening? I said it was too hard to explain in such short time, but general understanding was she just wanted to ‘meet up’ and ‘talk’.

There and then the plan was hatched, whatever the actors had planned was up to them, the initial focus on what was going to occur was as she was breaking up with me I wasn’t going to be mean, I wasn’t going to be nasty. I was going to take it on the chin being quite upset about it, but be a man and walk away. Then as we part they were going to go up to her and one of the actors would say “April fool’s”. Expecting her to say “well what is the prank?” they would say “he knew you were breaking up with him the whole time” whilst pointing to the hidden cameras and finishing with “and we filmed the whole thing, too bad he didn’t really care”.

Now who knows why things happen for a reason, but for some higher powers divine plan my heart grew ever so slightly for even me to see this was a bad idea. Through these stupid actions I was lashing out, but at what? I told the group not to worry, grabbed a photo with them and let them go on their way! Kicking myself as to why even though I knew I was about to have my heart broken, I still couldn’t be an arsehole.

Then I realised why. As I looked down the road there she was, looking exhausted and tired with no makeup on I still smiled at her, always knowing what she was about to do, I couldn’t be angry at her. I smiled because she was still the girl I cared about, and realising how hard this was going to be for her made me understand I didn’t need to because pain, pain does it all on its own.

We made our way inside and started making idle chit chat. In the back of my mind I was waiting for her to do it, not to speed anything up, but I knew it was coming and I hated pretending otherwise. To keep the conversation going I brought up topic of V fest, mentioned about the photos I saw, the one I commented on. She was unaware of what I’d said and got rather defensive when I told her. Of course she assured me it was harmless and yes, I trusted her. I had no reason not to. Except she did a semester in law and can argue her defence really well but that’s another story. (keep in mind girls, I am overly trusting, need a guy you can walk all over, pick this loser)

It then started to fall into place, the idle chit chat, the awkward nervousness... she couldn’t do it. Having thoughts back to the day’s with the ex girlfriend Blah I was starting to freak out that she couldn’t say what she wanted, and do what she felt was needed by her. So what do I do, the stupid thing obviously. I coach and push, I keep asking her what is wrong, what is the matter... ok so you can coach a kid to ride a bike by walking next to him and holding the handle bars but no one should ever have to sit there with their partner and push the topics along just so they will have an angle to work in the fact that they are un happy and want it to end.

Then it all came out, as soon as she had the ball rolling I stood there quietly, every time she paused and tried to find the words I stood there blankly waiting for her to finish. Granted this probably made her feel really bad but after a while it all came out, we talked about how our lives were so different and how she wasn’t a relationship kind of girl and you know what, I completely understood. Yeah I was upset, and slightly disappointed, and my heart still felt like it was being broken into a thousand pieces but the whole idea about needing to win was pathetic.

I realised then and there we only act out in these situations because of the pain we feel, at one stage I was angry but I wasn’t angry at her, I was angry at life. I was so frustrated that I felt like I needed to better myself then her, be a winner and leave her being the one in pain, and that’s because we try our hardest to show we are not in pain, so when we see the other person, we forget they might be hiding it too. Their happiness becomes the final knife in the chest.

So we walked and talked, trying to be civil, we established the fact that we were over and that was that. Funny how when I sat here the whole time knowing it was coming, expecting to think I was ready for it... when all along you can’t be ready for anything life throws at you, even if like me you try to plan and scheme, in the end, when you’re standing there face to face with fate, all you can do is take it as it comes.

As we got closer to drawing towards the end. There were a few moments where I let the bitter me surface, once was when we saw the actors and crew. I told her how I wanted to be angry but in the end I couldn’t, I told her the story of what the actors and I had planned, gave them a waved and then looked back and smiled at her. She really didn’t look impressed. The other time I was slightly bitter was as we were parting ways.

We stood there at the corner of two roads on a busy intersection. This is where it ends. The long lingering look we shared moments before uttering goodbye. I threw my arms around her and gave her one last hug, I stopped, looked at her and then she said to me “I guess, I will see you around”. Ok I was probably out of line for this but I stood there with a displeased look upon my face and said to her, “I barely saw you when we were together, I don’t like my odds now were not”. With a callous look I uttered the words “sorry” and walked away.

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