Author Alexandre Dumas’s 1844 serial novel The Three Musketeers would easily have to be one of the most frequently adapted texts in history. There have been almost a dozen film adaptations, several television programs, mini-series, comic books – the list literally goes on and on and on – based on this classic swashbuckling tale. Now I can’t profess to having seen most of these. In fact, I can only profess to having seen two. But I can suggest that none of these could possibly be as atrocious as this 2011 remake. A remake so bad, you literally have to wonder, WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING? To which the answer is evidently, they were not. At all.

There’s really very little need to tell you the story of The Three Musketeers because I assure you if you haven’t at least caught one of the several adaptations listed above, then you would have at least seen the story in one of the hundred movies or television series that loosely mimic the same tale. The story centers on the penniless young D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman), who travels to Paris to join the King’s infamous security detail, the Musketeers. But upon his arrival in Paris, he quickly discovers the Musketeers are not as his father’s numerous stories have suggested them to be. Dejected, crestfallen and bordering on broke, the three remaining Musketeers – Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Aramis (Luke Evans), and Porthos (Ray Stevenson) – are still recuperating from the betrayal of Athos’s former lover two years earlier. But could D’Artagnan arrival signal the turn of the tables the Musketeers need? Gee, I wonder.

This 2011 adaptation of The Three Musketeers was one of the first films to be announced as being shot primarily for the 3D format. And if this movie is anything to go by, hopefully it will be the last. There is no doubt that this recent remake is trying to cash in on The Pirates of the Caribbean success. The over the top style is the same, the music is almost an exact rip off of the Pirates breathtaking score, and the film even goes so far as to steal one of the original Pirates actors in Orlando Bloom (who takes on a more Jack Sparrow-esque character this time around). Needless to say, I challenge any reviewer to complain about any one of the previous Pirates films after seeing this atrocious knockoff. My only concern is the detrimental effect films like this can possibly have to similar, far better franchises. And if this piece of rubbish is responsible for the genres eventual demise, then I will not be a happy camper.