Docking Bay 94

Three Appropriate Punishments for Tailgaters

I’m not a fan of tailgaters. I hate them. Who gives them the right to decide on my behalf that it’s OK to potentially ruin my day?

How many times have you been late to work or a fun outing thanks to some moron who’s slammed up the ass of an innocent driver?

And why?

They’re in a hurry. Really? And I’m not?

They were told the safe distance is when you can just see the car-in-front’s tyres? No stupid - that’s the safe distance for when you pull up behind them on a hill.

They want to go faster and believe that by intimidating me it will miraculously achieve this. No it won’t. I’m doing the speed limit you scum bag. GET OFF MY ASS!

So I’ve had enough. Here’s how I’m going to put a stop to this evil habit as it’s obvious that current points-based and fiscal deterrents obviously don’t work:

Appropriate Punishment #1 - Laser Beams

Instant disintegration. That’ll stop ‘em.

This is the method favoured by the righteous (eg: Liberal / Republican / Tory parties). Decent people like you and I will have laser cannons fitted to the bonnet and boot - this way we can also blast speeding scum who fly past.

It’s quick, leaves no mess, and will have the added benefit of giving us that warm and fuzzy feeling of happiness that tailgaters have an uncanny ability to negate.

Appropriate Punishment #2 - Tractor Beams

Again, this will work quite nicely on speed freaks.

Automatic roadside detectors will hone in on the lawbreakers and simply pick them up off the road and place them in a holding pattern for a couple of hours. That should give them enough time to cool their heels and regret their evil ways. It’s fair.

Once the clock has ticked over, they’ll be placed back on the road. And if they transgress again? No problems, these tractor beams are placed at 50 metre intervals - they’ll be picked up in no time.

Oh, and three strikes and you’re out. Instant disintegration by laser cannon. This nicely nicely version is preferred by Labor / Democrat / Labour parties.

Appropriate Punishment #3 - Head / Ass Daisy Chain

Look away now if you’re squeamish.

Auto roadside cameras will take note of licence plates of offenders, and at the end of each week they will be round up for punishment. They will be taken from this place to another place and instructed to stand arms-length apart in a giant circle (this circle will decrease in size over the weeks as offenders realise what’s going on).

There they will be dacked, their heads smothered in lubricant (unless they are repeat offenders), and, naturally, have their heads inserted up the preceding tailgaters ass where it will remain for a full minute for each transgression.

You’ll find repeat offenders will be minimal under this program due to a severe abundance of much deserved asphyxiation.

An eye for an eye - it’s totally appropriate. It also adds a certain irony to “get off my ass you bastard!”. Oh - this method is favoured by religious zealots and the Greens.

So there you have it.

If I have missed any appropriate punishments, do tell. Make them as graphic as you please.

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