Warning: this review contains coarse language and puerile humour that my mother and many others would find offensive. If this is you, do not continue reading, and for fucks sake do not see Bad Teacher.

Ahem, my review begins (lights fade, credits roll, and action) …

The seminal Brokeback Mountain has an absorbing rhythm that lures you into it's beauty; like soft, lustrous rose petals that slowly drift away on the wind to reveal two souls that yearn for a passion that can never be.

Such is also the way of the semanal Bad Teacher. As you groan at the hit and miss, occasionally racist, almost always fæcally or sexually orientated jokes, you gently succumb to the exposition that quickly establishes why a completely self absorbed, pond scum bitch wants bigger titties.

To put it in the words of the film itself: titty jar fuck shit dick dry-hump crap vagina fucking fuckety fuck fucker.

To put it another way: if Bad Teacher is a parable on the worthlessness of the lives of simple, everyday people like you and me, it fails miserably.

I tell a lie. It wildly succeeds.

Do you really want to be the boring, nice guy who ends up in a dead end job, collecting glass-blown dolphin statuettes, as the universe and it's perverse laws decree: you are destined to always finish last?

Or do you want the high life of a narcotically addicted, self-centred asshole who plays on their good looks to manipulate the rest of the world into getting pretty much anything they want?

To hell with happy hippies, goody two shoe sympoticos, and historical reenactment actors who are all (deep down - or painfully obviously) self loathsome of their pathetic lives!

I wanna watch movies everyday, while paying for my astonishingly outlandish lifestyle via sexual favours!

Reality check. We’re all going to have to agree. Assholes get what they want. Good guys finish last. Gross out comedies are a taste all of their own.

Bad Teacher is what it is.

The actors all do well in their roles (except Justin Timberlake who appears to pull a funny SNL facial twitch at the end of a shot … hello editors - how could you have missed that one?). (Okay, apart from that one shot Justin is fine.) Cameron Diaz is scarily convincing as the potty-mouthed low life that the film rests upon. I’m sure she’d pull one over on me if she tried. And you too - don’t be so smug - this girl is in a class all of her own.

Back to the film.

Knowing that the lowest common denominator must be aimed for, the language and set-jokes are utilised to create a Hollywood blend of mild guffaws, LOL-moments and stomach churning repulsiveness.

If this review has kept your attention, then Bad Teacher will ring your bell. Go see it. It's slightly (slightly?) more offensive than this piece of prose. Made in Hollywood, so you know what to expect (only one montage if you don't count the opening credits - well done Hollywood, well done). And come to think about it, only contains one shit joke (clarification: one joke about shit. There are quite a few crap jokes).

I cringed and laughed a lot.

Fuckety titty fuck fuck.